MAYHEM, USBORNE & CON SECURITIES
Take the worry out of life with a family-friendly 5-year renewable Security Contract. Our Exchequer Division has years of expertise transferring most of your money into government funds. Leaving you less money reduces your cash management problems and lowers personal risk – and you can’t be too careful with all the baddies around these days. And what’s left in your pocket is fully secured by our Protection Directorate which sorts out anyone posing a threat to you or your loved ones. Terms and Conditions Apply. Vote Con.
A leaflet containing this promotion was dropped by private Cessna aircraft before the last Election, targetting the marginal electorates of Rotherham, Runcorn and Burnley. Sadly, it’s proving hard to replicate this Con tactic in Terms and Conditions Apply due to the problem of getting Cessnas in and out of Ledbury Market Theatre. But we do use leaflets in the Show, and you’ll have plenty of candidates to choose from – not just big Parties like ConDems and Laborious, but niche groups like the Dream On Party which offers unbelievably generous policies.
So who are Mayhem, Usborne and Con (MUC)? As you’ll see, Dave Camshaft’s empire is minded by iron-grip henchmen. His primary protector is Usborne, whose boyish fringe belies a sharp-fisted, no-nonsense character fit to grace the doorstep of any town bar. If you think you spotted him last Friday wearing a yellow armband outside Wetherspoons, you were probably right. But bouncing is only his night job. By day Usborne heads the Exchequer Division of MUC, offering just what was promised in those Cessna drops – taking away your money for safeguarding in huge underground coffers deep below 11 Downing Street.
Now, clearly MUC doesn’t want to leave you too little to live on. So you’re left with a float, a monthly allowance as it were, to buy staples like Tenko Value Tea and Morrisons White Potatoes and to save towards gas and electric, or thermal clothing if these are not affordable. Here’s the bit from rehearsals where the man playing Usborne declines a request from a Doncaster resident for an increase in their monthly allowance during a particularly hard winter.
Sadly, it’s a postcode lottery – South v North.
And for those little emergencies which the allowance never covers MUC will direct you to chic City bankers (The Henchman Reserve), always willing to tide you over with a loan – at the going rate, of course.
But how does MUC then secure your monthly allowance? Well, that’s where the Protection Directorate comes in. Theresa Mayhem, Camshaft’s other adjutant, is there to wipe out threats to your hard-come-by leftovers. Anyone coming within ten metres of you or your property is a suspect; anyone who’s a suspect is banged up, deported or taken out; and experienced Chinese builders are nearing completion of a great wall round the British Isles to stop invasion by people with dodgy passports. We rehearsed this scene outdoors, with the Mayhem actor and her best friends on their way to sort out a suspect found sneaking through the remaining gap in the wall.
So rest assured – your residual pocket money is fully protected.
In Terms and Conditions Apply Camshaft’s henchmen might appear flippant. But don’t be fooled. Beneath the frivolity lies MUC, a system of protection dictators would die for. MUC, a fully-owned subsidiary of Camshaft & Co, Accountants.
Sounds a good racket to be in; wouldn’t mind a slice of it myself!
In Eddie’s Eye 8, the penultimate edition of this highly acclaimed newsletter, I’ll tell you how a character called Govis systematically interfered with the production of Terms and Conditions Apply. Out soon.
Terms and Conditions Apply – a play by Paul Costello. Fabulous political satire about a 5-year coalition government, seen through the eyes of ordinary, suburban households and, in stark contrast, the rose-tinted spectacles of politicians. Director, Bob Maynard. Thurs 31st July – Sat 2nd August @ 8pm. Adults £10, Students £5. Ledbury Market Theatre