Thou shalt not wear miniskirts, nor speedos, nor socks with sandals.
Thou shalt not wear trousers with elasticated tops, nor cargo trousers lest thou shouldst overload the pockets of thine cargo trousers.
Thou shalt not blacken thine hair, nor black, nor any shade of black.
Thou shalt not over-comb thine hair, nor wear an ill-fitting hairpiece, nor a black hairpiece, nor a hairpiece not matching your hair.
Thou shalt not tell leery jokes, nor carry on telling these when thou art the only one laughing.
Thou shalt not use teen-speak, nor ‘cool’ nor ‘yo’ nor ‘ciao’.
Thou shalt not covet the young bargirl, nor young barman, nor their asses, nor their mates, nor anything you can’t follow through with.
Thou shalt share medical matters with thine neighbour, loudly, on the bus.
Thou shalt eyeball young people on the bus to get a seat.
Thou shalt raise thine stick at traffic to get across the road, even when thou dost not use a stick.
Thou shalt crunch loudly on Werther’s Original in quiet places.
Thou shalt speak thine mind as thine inhibitor cells break down, and allow thine deep-down prejudices to emerge, with no fear of castigation.
Paul Costello © November 2013
UTTERLY UNDISCOVERED by Paul Costello
Hilarious tales from a Shropshire Bed and Breakfast!
Available through bookshops (ISBN 978-1-907741-30-2) or direct from Fineleaf Editions
A fabulous Christmas gift!