Your Home is your Castle – New Year Tips on Good Living

Your home is your castle!

In it you can:

  •     Hide yourself away
  •     Get up and go to bed when you want
  •     Stay in your dressing gown all day
  •     Open the door to Watchtower sellers, in your dressing gown, and tell them they’ve interrupted you mid-sex
  •     Wear nothing
  •     Open the door to Betterware sellers, wearing nothing, and invite them in
  •     Play loud music – and ignore the neighbour knocking
  •     Stand like the Angel of the North and shout: ‘Aaargh! Aaaargh! Aaaaaaaargh!’ –  and ignore the neighbour knocking
  •     Not answer the phone
  •     Clean and tidy when you want
  •     Eat cold baked beans, noisily, straight from the tin
  •     Finish a curry takeaway at breakfast
  •     Dress the castle with a faint whiff of curry, garlic and baked fish
  •     Fart, cough, burp and blow your nose loudly
  •     Fart quietly without having to pin it on someone else
  •     Kill yourself smoking
  •     Paint the walls purple, cerise and orange – in circles and stripes
  •     Do anything ‘naughty’ that takes your fancy
  •     Ponder life                                                        

 But:

  •     If you wish to share your castle, be willing to compromise
  •     If you rent your castle, expect eviction
  •     If your neighbour is big, you may get beaten up
  •     If your neighbours are full of wind, expect your castle to be blown down
  •     Expect the Watchtower people to ask for more detail
  •     If the Betterware seller has long, white hair and calls himself Jim, he may want to come in
  •     You’d best check out the meaning of ‘social pariah’

Happy home life to all of you in 2013!

Paul Costello © 31st December 2012

www.paulcostello.me

@PaulCostello8

Utterly Undiscovered by Paul Costello. Comical Bed and Breakfast memoir.  

Out spring 2013. Publisher: Fineleaf Editions.  www.fineleaf.co.uk

ISBN 978-1-907741-30-2

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