Dear oh dear! Nigella Gar-arge is proving such a handful.
I recall telling you in a previous Eddie’s Eye how at rehearsals she barged past me to lunge at a voter. I have to tolerate this sort of thing from Gar-arge all the time; the Leader of the You Fancy a Kip Party clearly has much to learn about common courtesy. And playing the ‘Cruella de Vil’ card (or de Vile as we call it) and drinking pints does her no favours at all.
Not that there’s anything wrong with women drinking pints. I’d like to think that we in the Laborious Party are modern about this sort of male-female crossover; indeed many of my female colleagues enjoy a pint of IPA, especially those descended from the leftie leaders of the 70’s and 80’s. But I’m not sure it’s entirely a healthy political image ever since Tony prised the reds’ gnarly fingers off our beloved Party and put New Laborious in its proper place – alongside the Cons and Dems looking after the level-headed folk of Middle England. Thanks to Tony’s foresight (but not Golden Brown’s, I fear) I’ve found it easy to settle in as Leader of the Laborious Party, modelling myself on Dave Camshaft in the same way as Nick Clogg follows my example.
The main trouble is that at rehearsals Gar-arge has to appear verbally aggressive after a supposed ten pints, and the only way the actor can achieve this is to actually drink the stuff, a routine she fell into rather too readily if you ask me. This makes it harrowing for the rest of us, as you can imagine from these images taken last Sunday. What’s more, treating the Methodist Church (where we rehearse) like a pub is in my view totally inappropriate.
I think I know where she acquired this drinking habit, because after a few pints she starts waving around this photo of her ex singing into his beer.
Little does she know that I’ve a surprise in store. My dad (Eddie Moribund Snr) and a load of his pals are coming to see the Show on the Friday, filling the whole of Row D, I understand. In their wonderfully old-fashioned way they like women to behave like women, and when I told dad about Gar-arge’s behaviour he came up with the brilliant idea of them all crunching their Werther’s Originals in unison really loudly whenever ‘Cruella’ speaks. So although the audience will have to tolerate her appearance, at least no-one will be able to hear ‘de Vile’s’ bile.
All arranged, friends!
Speak soon. Oh, and don’t forget your own tickets! Full details below.
Terms and Conditions Apply – a play by Paul Costello. Fabulous political satire about a 5-year coalition government, seen through the eyes of ordinary, suburban households and, in stark contrast, the rose-tinted spectacles of politicians. Director, Bob Maynard. 31st July – 2nd August Ledbury Market Theatre
Website: www.paulcostello.me Twitter: @PaulCostello8