I promised to tell you about one of the great electorate – Mr Wildbore.
You know how water floods into a canal lock once the sluice gate is opened? Well, that’s what it’s like when Mr Wildbore starts talking, an analogy that came to mind from the narrow boat holidays my wife and I take …
… not because we can’t afford more luxurious ventures as we both earn an incredible amount of money (which no longer in itself makes us the target of media flak thanks to Tony’s placing the Laborious Party rightfully in Middle England), but because we like to be seen doing the commonplace things the Mr Wildbores of this world indulge in …
… so that we at least appear to stick to our brotherly roots even if we sneak a Caribbean holiday or two (when Parliament isn’t busy and the hurricane season is over) in order to meet our true social needs – thus covering all bases, as it were.
There – I bet you thought I was never going to stop! And that’s exactly what I found with Mr Wildbore!
This picture on his doorstep –
as he explained the sun’s trajectory, itemised the rainfall figures in Afghanistan, banged on about medication and bus timetables, decried the loss of public toilets with the cutbacks and how church services had become too modern what with all the guitarists and gospel choirs …
… and berated own brand sausages, detailed the shipping routes for Argentinian beef and its average fat content, stressed that Marmite should be spread thinly …
… and criticised Mrs Smith next door for having doorstep deliveries which was ridiculous considering the price of milk in Tenko offered such good value, except to farmers, although this was their fault for still running tinpot farms with six cows when the world around them had moved into mass production and anyway no-one wants full-cream milk any more …
… and insisted that if you work at it (and young people these days don’t know the meaning of work) you can write endless sentences like Alan Bennett which as long as they’re properly punctuated still make sense even if readers do lose the will to live
– was taken by Nick Clogg, lurking behind a silver birch to watch and learn as part of his apprenticeship.
The actor playing Mr Wildbore in Terms and Conditions Apply is so well cast that it’s hard to get a word in at rehearsals. This is me recently, about to throttle him when he wouldn’t stop.
Quite rightly, Director Bob has started imposing a time limit when ‘Wildbore’s Witterings’ become too much like a one-man show.
I can understand how Golden Brown slipped up in Rochdale calling Mrs Duffy ‘that bigoted woman’. Yet in the battle for Middle England votes we embrace one and all, meaning that the Wildbores and Duffies of this world and you, my friends, will I am sure eventually find us. Laborious. The Party of the People.
Ta ta for now.
Mr Wildbore appears in person at Ledbury Market Theatre 31st July to 2nd August, alongside Dave Camshaft, Nick Clogg, Vince Capable, Theresa Mayhem, Nigella Gar-arge and many other favourites. Terms and Conditions Apply – a hilarious political satire.
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